Well I’M in a shitty mood today. I’m writing now as a way of hopefully talking myself down from this bad vibe.
For starters, it’s a Monday and it’s Day 3 post-vacation. In part, it’s a classic case of post holiday blues. Miraculously, I survived this vacation without drinking but more about that later. Every winter we visit close friends at their mountainside ski in/ski out cabin. We are avid skiers so this is Heaven. It’s a full day of travel each way. I have chronic fatigue which I have learned to manage over the years and fortunately have not been completely, physically debilitated as have many. Post-exertional malaise is part of it which means I have to be careful I don’t overdo it with activity or I become exhausted. So on top of a huge travel day to a different time zone, as well as a seasonal time change, I then completely overdid it on the slopes. It landed me on the couch for 2 days but I rallied for one last ski day. Then another full travel day and here I am, 3 days later, on the couch, still recovering. Was it worth it? Yes!
When I’m exhausted, I’m vulnerable to drinking. Wine always perked me up when I suffered a flare-up of chronic fatigue. It helped me escape the physical discomfort for a while (but only a short while as we all know.) I knew people would be drinking wine on this trip and I was a bit worried about it. I didn’t have any wild cravings like on my last holiday, but I did have a few flashes of “sure!why not?!maybe I’ll have some. Maybe I will start drinking again!” Probably because my hosts kept saying “you’ve got to try this one – it’s special. Just have a glass.” And you know those people who make annoying mmmmm…nnyumnnyum, sounds over food? Well these people were making annoying mmmmm…nnyumnnyum, sounds over the wine. It fucking pissed me off. They knew I was trying not to drink and yet they persisted. And they were all “normies.” That fucking pissed me off even more.
Finally I bought some non-alcoholic wine which helped me tremendously – the bottles look legit and the wine when poured looks legit. It looked exactly like what all the fucking normies were drinking and thus my booze brain was silenced. Hooray PG for not giving in to wine on this trip 🏆🥇🏅🎖What treasure might I reward myself with today in recognition of this great accomplishment? Maybe a new couch…
When my fatigue sidelines me, it is absolutely necessary to hit the rest button, but when I’m sidelined my good mood is too. So my days spent on the couch instead of skiing made me angry, depressed, and resentful. Once back on skis, my usual peaceful, good mood was instantly restored. It’s a matter of finding the right balance. Can I also just say, for others out there with invisible illnesses like chronic fatigue syndrome, I feel for you – we are treated like complainers and hypochondriacs. No wonder some of us have turned to self-medication with booze.
It is now noon and I’m still in my pajamas but I have successfully talked myself down from a miserable mood. It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining and I feel well enough to get outside for a walk. And well enough to try on a few new couches.